Sometimes when I have a minute I just think, reflecting on all the years that have passed.

Memories that make me smile and some that I wish were not still lingering and holding on to me.

It feels almost like I’ve lived different lives. How much I’ve changed. My environment, my demeanor, friends, family.

As if every year is a battlefield. To think of the moments that have caused relationships to fail, and for parts of who I am to change forever.

How I’ve morphed into what I am now through lessons, mistakes, heartache and teachers.

I’ve become so quiet. I don’t want to talk anymore. If only my mind wouldn’t think anymore, as it’s louder than my own voice. And gives me no peace.

For all these years to have come and gone and still I feel I know nothing. Nothing of love. Nothing of the purpose of this life. Nothing of the direction I want my future to go.

I would have thought after all these years I should have some answers by now. How my life should feel less chaotic, less worrisome, more safe.

But no. I’m still existing. Swinging my sword everyday. Wondering when it ends. Wondering if this is all it will ever be.

The fairy tale I created for my future in my mind as a child, becomes less realistic as the years go by.

I don’t want to plan and hope for anything anymore. I just want to live day by day.

I want to breathe the fresh air. I want to pull over and watch the sun rise at the beginning of the day. I want to stare at the full moon every month and paint it into my memories. I want to swim in every body of water I find. I want to research and study every topic that pops into my mind during the day. I want to slow down. I want to smile at every person I pass. I want to love everything about myself regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I don’t want to talk anymore. I want to listen and hear everything. Maybe here I will find the purpose of my life.